Cock Size vs. Body Image

posted Feb 25, 2012, 11:18 PM by Mr. M   [ updated Feb 25, 2012, 11:18 PM ]

Cock Size vs. Body Image
by Mr.M

This is a straight-cis on straight-cis essay. Though I have a feeling that some of the points may well apply beyond those boundaries.



There are some thoughts that seem to be implanted in our minds by society. Unrealistic physical ideals that we have made into generalized standards to hold ourselves against. A couple months ago I realized that the most frequent of these for each gender (yes, I am generalizing based on personal experience) could perhaps be used to achieve mutual comprehension.


She is so beautiful to me. I love the curve of her hip as it meets her torso. I love the feel of her stomach against my palm as she spoons against me. I love tracing her thighs, her breasts, her neck with my fingertips and tongue. In the warmth of candlelight or the harsh light of the kitchen she is a goddess of desire by which I never to cease to be aroused. I tell her so; in heated talk as our bodies join, and with a shy smile holding her hand in the market. And she responds:  “yes, I just need to lose a couple pounds though to be happy.”


He feels so good inside me. I love looking up at him as he is about to enter me. His lust straining from his body calls to me. He places the velvet head against my lips and slowly presses forward. I feel myself stretch to accommodate him. He presses forward, my hips rise of their own volition to meet him, wanting more. He holds himself steady, delight and passion dancing in his eyes, then the final thrust. It is so good it almost hurts. He fits me beautifully. Over and over he brings me to wave after wave of climax until finally we collapse together, our bodies molding together as if they were created for this one purpose. I look at him drowsy eyes, my body languorous in recovery from my pleasure. I tell him how spectacular he is. And he responds: “yes, but I wish I had another couple inches so I could REALLY satisfy you.”  


If you are lucky enough that this does not apply to you, congratulations. Well done. You are a minority. For many of us we are consistently lost in frustration created by the fact that we cannot convince our lovers of their quality. So here is my SAT style revelation: trying to convince a woman she doesn’t need to lose weight is as trying to convince a man he has no need for a larger penis. And yes, trying to convince a man he does not need a larger penis is as trying to a woman she does not need to lose any weight.


The fascinating thing is that I believe that both of these erroneous beliefs stem from the same source: Mass Media. We have certain cultural obsessions that define our sense of ourselves, and that often undermine our confidence. We are obsessed with superficial attraction and sexual performance. From a young age we are consistently exposed to the ideas that lacking in these areas makes us lacking as human beings. I am friends with a very well known health professor. During a discussion about ten years ago he told me a fascinating fact that has always stood out to me. As hard as we may try to achieve it, the Hollywood, magazine cover style looks are only in reach for 1% of the world’s population. In other words, for 99% of us, it’s a futile endeavor to attempt. And yet this is the standard to which we hold ourselves when it comes to physical beauty. This is, unfortunately, even more so in the case of women than men. On any magazine rack there is a 20 to 1 ratio of womens’ vs mens’ magazines preaching how to change your appearance. But don’t feel alone the mens’ magazines are just as bad, but with a different focus.


Instead of appearance (though they do go there too) mens’ magazines prefer to harp on sexual performance. We are inundated with consistent advice on how to be better in bed and informed that should we perform poorly then the women we love will be well within their rights to leave us for a better bedroom provider. And what else is in every magazine? Ads for ways to grow your penis, because without a yardstick in your pants, you don’t have a chance. But magazines are not the worst offenders for men. Due to the shame associated with discussing sexuality openly, particularly between men, males learn sex from porn. And if there is one thing that porn teaches us, it is that women love giant cocks and always cum harder when one is present. Go ahead, name the widely watched porn that features a 5.5 inch dick on a man with excellent sexual skill, I’ll wait. As our primary educational resource when it comes to sexuality, men are educated to understand that bigger is better to the point where it is nearly impossible to overcome. 


So there you have it. The inverse, media created, direct line of understanding between men and women’s consistent self-consciousness. We’ve been trying to change the message from the media for decades and it’s worthwhile goal, but not one I see us accomplishing soon. So, for the short term, communicate with your lover. Understand that they fear losing you because of something likely, genetically, beyond their control. Assure them of their beauty, of their prowess, of their desirability. Because as much as you think they must know, everyone needs to hear it said sometimes.

Critical Thinking, Big Guys, and Cock Shots

posted Feb 25, 2012, 11:17 PM by Mr. M   [ updated Feb 25, 2012, 11:17 PM ]

Critical Thinking, Big Guys, and Cock Shots

by Mr.M

I was thinking about cock-shots recently. Not a usual place for my mind to dwell, but I was going down my newsfeed looking at what my friends’ had commented on and something was bothering me. Then I finally figured it out.

I would like to start by categorically saying I am not a fan of cock-shots in general. They are usually poorly taken and the vast majority of girls I know would really prefer they were never shown unless requested, but this piece is on a completely separate issue.

Cock-pictures are definitively disadvantageous to big men. Picture if you will a standard piece of paper, 8.5” by 11. ” Now mentally draw a 7” long symbol of your choosing on it, perhaps a tube, or a picture of Nathan Fillion. Now grab a mental camera, line it up so the paper fills the frame and take a picture. Well done. Ok, reset. Picture in your mind now a piece of poster-paper, say 24” by 36.” Get out your 7” symbol again (nice Captain Hammer pose) place it on the poster-paper and once again frame the picture so it takes in the entire piece of paper. Now compare the pictures. Same size symbol (hair whipping in the breeze) yet it one picture that symbol looks HUGE and in the other, well, kinda dinky. This is my problem with cock-pictures. Something that looks incredibly impressive on a 5’ 6” guy definitively in need of a sandwich to eat, will look average on your standard Kevin Smith-ite.

So why do I care enough to write this? More than anything it’s an exercise in critical thinking. Whenever you look at a picture the first thing anyone should remember is that pictures LIE. Through perspective, forced perspective, framing, lighting, props, and several thousand other tricks a photographer will make you see what he wants you to see. The art of photography largely lies in lying to your eyes more than Doctor Who ever could. This is true of pictures of men, women, giraffes, politicians, porn, arugula, measles and anything else ever subjected to the harsh treatment of a lens. So think before you react, because reality is far different than anything seen on a screen or in a frame.


posted Feb 25, 2012, 11:15 PM by Mr. M   [ updated Feb 25, 2012, 11:15 PM ]

Bullied by Mr.m

A reflection on how being bullied influenced my personal development.

This was written very stream-of-consciousness, and I hope folk will forgive the disorganized thoughts.


I hate the idea that I was bullied. I don’t like thinking of myself as a victim. Whenever I think about my childhood I tend to retreat to my childhood decision that I was a hero triumphing over the odds. I was a Prevailer, not a target. But I was. I realized in the middle of high school that I had somehow accidentally created in myself the ultimate bully-target. Bullying, as any school teacher will tell you, is not about hurting someone. Like rape, it is about power. Power over another person, and social status gained by achieving that power. Given enough time it is a rape, the rape of a child’s mind.


I have Aspergers, but when I was a child we didn’t have that word. I wouldn’t be diagnosed until college. So when I was young I was simply socially awkward, bad with people, lacking in whatever that “it” is that enables people to make friends. I was jealous of the losers in movies and books, they always had one or two friends that they were “losers” with. I never did. My first taste of friendship came in high school. My first real lasting friendships wouldn’t occur until years after that. Until then though, I was the perfect target for power-seekers. For those who don’t know starting at 8 years old I was a competitive figure skater. When my knees were ruined at 18 I was training with gold medalists heading for the competition that is two steps before nationals. I’ve also always been a big person. So there I was; socially isolated, tall and broad, and physically capable. What this meant in the world of bullying is that starting a fight with me had two possible results: 1. You lose, but that’s ok, he’s a big guy. At least you probably hurt him. Nobody likes him anyways. That means no social repercussions except for that one big guy who never starts fights not liking you. That’s actually a plus, it puts you on the side of everyone else who doesn’t like him. Well done. 2. You win. Sweet, you beat up that kid no one likes. Everyone likes you better. And you get reputation points for taking on the big guy and winning. Awesome.  


I never lost a fight. I took pride in that, foolishly. You’d think this would have helped. But it only made it fair in the minds of middle-schoolers to use ambush tactics and to attack with more people. If you could take me down, your reputation would be made.  


The point is, there was never a down side to fighting me. By doing so you either gained, or gained a lot.


What I didn’t understand until recently was how this was shaping me. I never gave the bullies credit for it. I blamed the Aspergers, or a close affinity with nature, or my preferred reading material. But if I want to be honest, it was this constant state of siege that created who I am today in such a significant way. Under siege. That’s what I was. When my attackers learned that a face to face fight wouldn’t work they tried other ways. Football players heading to their seats behind me in English would leap into the air to drive elbows into my neck when the teacher was looking away. T’d hallways and empty classrooms were ideal for throwing pepper into my eyes to blind me before attacks. In 7th grade the PE teacher needed to check something in the locker room, this was taken advantage of as a chance for all the boys to converge on me at once…the girls cheered. My life was under the Sword of Damocles…and this taught me.


A couple years ago I taught a situational awareness class alongside a friend. He made an offhand remark “…he has a personal space bubble, it’s just 20’ in diameter.”


I have one of the most highly developed fight or flight mechanisms of all the people I know. It is constant and finely wound. The lasting lesson from my formative years came in the form of perceived intent. It’s not that everyone is going to hurt you, but rather than everyone wants to. The predominant desire of my world was that people wished me pain. Therefore my default stance had to be defensive. It was the only way to survive.


Now comes the time to remind people of my Aspergers once again. I am incapable of reading non-verbal cues. Through constant exposure I generally see when violence is coming, but understanding affection and good regard is vastly more difficult for me. 80% of human communication is non-verbal. 80% of our language, I do not speak. I don’t know how to do those unconscious little maneuvers that tell people I like them, that I’m joking, that I’m upset. I therefore resort to the plain spoken or the over dramatic, often coming across in some way as offensive, as I struggle to understand and be understood. A large portion of my social development was retarded because of these things. In many ways I am far behind where I should be in my reactions to relationships. Between my lack of understanding how, due to the Aspergers; and the lack of opportunity, due to my social status in groups; I recognize that in terms of certain skills I remain years behind where I should be.


I am only now starting to see through the haze of mistrust. It’s not fear, it’s more primal than that. It’s a gut understanding of kill or be killed as applied to “civilized” humanity. I am writing this as a hopefully step towards overcoming it. That does not mean I am at all close to doing so. Due to the origins of such things my hackles are significantly higher among men than women. It has nothing to do with their capacity, it has to do with history. My mind perceives men as likely enemies, women probably neutral.


Insults are declarations of war. Playful slaps are shots fired. I am in a Rocky Horror cast and I have an understanding that unlike everyone else I don’t get birthday spankings, because I truly fear that before thinking I might let fly. I have never in my life started a fight; I have never committed violence beyond what was offered me; I have never lost my self-control; I have never raised my hand to a woman in violence (there’s a difference between play and violence); and yet I fear it.


When something is that instinctual, it becomes personal. Insults lobbed my way do not skim across the service but are lodged deep in the seat of my conscious mind, because they might well be the precursors to attack. Any insult, at any time. They are taken personally, because they might be the only warning I have of upcoming pain to my person.


I want to end this with a discussion of the silver lining. The hidden gift that this world gave me in exchange for the blood spilled.


Being bullied made me a better Dom.  


I have a full understanding of how intent can shape reaction more than any physical demand. I understand pain in all its forms; mental, physical, emotional, spiritual; on a level impossible to know without the experience that comes with adversity. I know how words can hurt, and how touch can heal. I know the desire for acceptance and love that all of us carry within us, and I know how much it can survive. I know what it is to look for something you think is beyond finding. I know the joy of acceptance, and the fear of rejection. For over 20 years I have been the brutalized student of human behavior. Being bullied helped make me all that I am; the monster and the medicine man, boy and man, the hurt with head held high.

Why a Slave Journal?

posted Dec 12, 2011, 8:52 PM by Mr. M   [ updated Dec 12, 2011, 8:52 PM ]


by Mr.M


She approached me in glory, and presented to me the journal I gave to her when our journey together began. It contained all manner of thoughts and desires, but more than anything else, it was an essence…an essence, of us.  


Some among us in the BDSM scene enjoy the presentation of journals to those who would submit. I was asked recently the simple question: Why? What is the appeal of having ideas written down when one can act? I could answer simply “because I enjoy it,” but the answer is so much more.


A submissive’s or slave’s journal is a tangible representation of the relationship. Let us never forget that what is written down transcends space and time, allowing communication to move beyond ourselves. In the writing of their journal, the slave challenges the limitations of 4 dimensions with a record of what is, and what might be. It is a holy tablet, transcribed with their desires and fears, with all that makes them the incredible creature that they are and might be, and coalesces it with conviction to be consumed by another.


The reality of domination and submission like many things is a twin edged sword, it can be used for abuse or glory. One of the greatest gifts of the journal is the presence of reflection. After a scene is done; perhaps a minute, perhaps a month; a person can reflect upon their feelings during that scene. They can remark with the candor of the well thought out, and without the anxiety of the immediacy of conversation. It allows for a deeper, often more honest, and certainly more clear communication. And communication is the root of strong relationships. A properly understood slave journal should be written without fear of reprisal for its contents. It also should endeavor never to be used simply to provoke. The journal is a vessel for what a person may have trouble saying in person, a royal messenger, the Hermes of BDSM. Using a journal allows the uncomfortable to surface, the endearing to be remembered, and the delicious to be savored.


Make no mistake that when we write we are wrapping our thoughts in symbols for others. Thus the journal becomes a gift, perhaps THE gift, the gift of your thoughts. Can there be anything more intimate? Our thoughts are what differentiate us from one another. The gift of one’s thoughts is the gift of one’s self. In the form of a journal we can do this definitively. Let those of us who would receive be worthy. To take the thoughts of another as our property is to bear witness to their soul. As tops we owe this trust our deepest sense of honor, as we take their journals we must understand the vulnerability that is being presented with it. And the beauty that may exist between us because of it.


In spiritual traditions throughout the world there are sacred objects. These fetishes (appropriate) are presented as representations of deities, to sanctify, to mark occasion, to ask for assistance, to thank for blessings, and all manner of other reasons. And all of these can exist within the slave’s journal. It is a holy thing, presented by one in power and held in trust for the good of all. With this in mind I defy any to treat it casually.


Another element present in most ritual is the idea of Sacred Space; whether this be church or standing stones, grove or temple; the idea is that by moving into a designated place of worship we modify our actions and ready ourselves to be exposed to something greater. A slave’s journal can uniquely do this by creating its own sacred space, a sacred mental space. It pushes both the writer and the reader into a place wherein we are bound for the duration of its use for its purpose. By allowing this intermediary into our relationship, we allow ourselves a measure of objectivity that will likely allow us a greater understanding.


This then is the philosophical benefit to the journal, but there is also definitively a more tangible side:


The slave journal allows for scenes when partners cannot be together. Whether it be the writing of fantasies, or the results of instructions. A journal can facilitate the presence of partner without their physical being. Though we all might wish we were independently wealthy, living in a castle with a built in dungeon…In the real world many of us have work lives, families or perhaps are connecting with that special someone you finally found who shares your unique kinks that is miles and miles away. The journal lets you be there when you aren’t. It keeps the facts of reality from necessarily being a bar to intimacy and interaction. Even a simple “I love you” or “I really wanted to kneel before you this morning” when found written can touch the heart and strengthen the bond between two individuals.


The journal also provides possibilities for play when you are there. Though I have mentioned it, allow me to state explicitly that sharing your fantasies with your lover will nearly always bring you closer. Having a place wherein those fantasies can be displayed, contemplated, and perhaps enacted when you least expect it; can be a glorious spur for nearly anyone. In addition there are the possibilities of assignments that bring you closer or simply excite your partner. One does not need to be a brilliant writer to stir the hearts or loins of their chosen. One must simply write with intent and conviction, and trust to the feelings between you to carry what perhaps you have difficulty expressing. I have known people who wrote glorious prose that meant little, and people who wrote haltingly with poor spelling who stroked the very core of my soul.


The difference between writing and talking is considered versus improvisational communication. Writing allows us to find the words we needed the first time rather than wishing we had later.


So; Why a Slave Journal?

Because I enjoy it.

Appropriate Touch: Write up for workshop on Boundaries at Munches

posted Feb 25, 2011, 8:49 AM by Mr. M   [ updated Feb 25, 2011, 8:58 AM ]

Appropriate Touch: Boundaries in a Munch environment


Before I begin I would like to establish with my readers my perspective. I am not a lawyer, nor am I a medical practitioner. My knowledge and research on these subjects comes from a different set of qualifications. I have been a certified Educator Advocate for the Prevention of Violence Against Women for seven years, a Massachusetts certified Human Rights Advocate for four years, and I have worked in Behavioral training for the last decade.  I have been a member of the BDSM scene for eleven years during which time I have tried to frequently participate in munches and other social gatherings within the scene. The following was developed after I was encouraged to put together some information because of harassment that was occurring at local munches. This information was put together more for a workshop environment than an essay so I hope you will forgive my rather disjointed prose as it is meant to be supplemented by activities and discussion. The information will be presented in four categories:


* Sexual Harassment, and the Law

* Physical Understandings

* General Munch Etiquette


* What to do about an assault


It is my profound hope that this will be of help to some in the scene and that those who take the time enjoy reading it.


Sexual Harassment, and the Law:


When talking about the law let us first establish some frank truths.  While the abuse of men is a topic that happens far more often than reported, the sexual harassment and abuse of women is far more pervasive, during a 10 year study women made up 94% of survivors(1).  Much of this starts with social understandings based in cultural misconceptions that tend to lend themselves to the abuse of women. Perhaps the greatest of this is the idea that women are indecisive and therefore their judgement should not be respected. This incredibly false claim is nonetheless consistently put forth by both the media and social environments.  The right of men to overwrite the desires of women in society is demonstrated constantly and the results of this campaign is ridiculously underplayed. We are given to understand that sexual harassment is a limited phenomena experienced by a very few and sexual repression is far more rampant in other cultures than our own. The facts however, reveal quite a different understanding. According to the US Department of Labor, 50-80 percent of American Women experience some form of sexual harassment during their academic or work lives(2). Consider that for a moment, and I apologize for the redundancy, but this indicates that bare minimum 1 out of every 2 women a person knows likely has had such an experience.  Further the Massachusetts Department of Public Health compiled the following facts using anonymous data from Rape Crisis Centers:


* From 1988 through 1997, MDPH-funded rape crises centers collected reports of 26,018 sexual assaults(3)  

* 88% of sexual assault survivors knew the perpetrator(1)  

* In 1997 Massachusetts Risk Behavioral Survey found that 10% of all high school girls reported being hurt sexually by a date(4)

* The same survey stated that 27% of students who had experienced sexual contact against their will had made a recent suicide attempt(4)

* According to the 1999 MYRBS report, Massachusetts students reported that 16% of all high school girls and 6% of boys had had sexual contact against their will(4)


“Why are these statistics important in the context of appropriate touch at a munch?” you may ask.  When confronted by inappropriate touch at a munch, this may be far from the first time an individual is doing so. This means that the touch, however affectionately meant, might well be far more traumatizing than the instigator may realize. In addition these statistics make one thing very clear, this is not someone else’s problem.  Given these numbers it is impossible to believe that this issue does not affect everyone and therefore it is up to everyone to do all they can to combat it.


Further a Munch environment can invite people not to report being harassed.  When a person is sexually harassed at work there is a major economic incentive not to report as a person fears losing their job and perhaps risking future jobs. This is one of the reasons that Title VII of the Civil Rights Act expressly prohibits sexual harassment in the workplace. Within this legislation is the term “hostile work environment,” the creation of which is a direct violation.  Munches have a similar impetus for their members. As an expressly minority sexuality, areas of free expression and social acceptability are few and far between. People attending munches generally wish to continue to be able to do so in order to be able to freely express who they are without fear of judgment and recrimination.  Therefore when someone harasses them at a munch, particularly if that someone is well liked, there is a significant amount of pressure to stay quiet lest the survivor be ostracized and lose access to the community and its supports.  Munch leaders for this reason must be no less stringent with their members than an employer (ideally) would be.  Sexual harassment is a form of abuse and must be met with the force of law, social if not legal. It should be understood that such behavior will not be tolerated by the group. 


Some that are reading this may not be members of the choir, but hopefully are joining in and might be asking themselves; “What constitutes sexual harassment?” I offer this spectrum of behaviors that should be considered inappropriate unless expressly allowed by the other individual. Certainly none of this should be done with a stranger at a munch (there will also be more about specific physical dynamics later):  


* Subtle pressure for sexual activity.

* Patting or pinching.

* Deliberate brushing against another person’s body.

* “Friendly” arms about the shoulder.

* Deliberate assaults or molestations.

* Sexually explicit pornographic pictures posted or shown.

* Demanding sexual favors, accompanied by implied or overt threats concerning job, grades, letters of recommendation, scene reputation, etc.

* Explicit offers of money for sex. (5)


While some of these may be considered beyond the pale at a munch, others happen far too commonly. I encourage those who witness such actions to speak up. Talk to the survivor, make sure that they are supported rather than isolated by the action. Also this limits issues of a different sort that is rather scene specific. People at munches are often reluctant to intervene because they are aware of possible fantasies being acted out or power dynamics that might be previously established.  Talking to the person who has been assaulted, especially in a public environment like a munch, is not a violation of their sexuality. If doing so is uncomfortable for you, treat it like a dungeon and speak to the Monitor; or in this case, the person organizing the munch.  The best way to defeat harassment of any kind is through transparency.  When everyone knows precisely what is going on and how the people involved feel about it, then violations can be rooted out before they become major problems.  It is the right of every person to feel safe and it is the responsibility of every person to assure those rights are protected.  The creation of a safe, respectful environment is what allows a group to sustain, grow, and defend itself.


Physical understandings:  


Now that we have established a clear sense of what harassment as a legal and societal concept, let us move to a true physical understanding of ourselves and others. First things first, I am going to expose a massive lie that all of us have been told, and likely told as well. Quickly without thinking about it, where are your privates? I would place a bet that most of us will name 2-3 areas of the body.  Now sit back and consider the following questions:


* Where are you comfortable having a significant other touch you?

* Where are you comfortable having a loved one touch you?

* How about a friend?

* What about a total stranger?  


Going back to privates I would ask you what that makes the rest of your body. Lets keep it simple and call them public(6).  Would you agree with this definition? Certainly not. The truth is that our entire bodies are private, and we allow other to touch them under only very specific circumstances in very specific ways.  Even proximity to other people, when it comes to comfort, can be defined.  If a person approaches you from the front, there is a moment for most of us (generally approximately 4 feet away) when we begin to feel a little uncomfortable. Our bodies subtly prepare to move and our eyes seek out avenues of escape. This is called the “Doe in the Woods Phenomena.”  We even feel it vicariously when we see someone approach someone else.  Physical proximity and touch is far more rigidly defined then nearly any of us are ever told. Allow me to guide you on a tour of appropriate physical interaction. While not absolute, I am comfortable offering these guidelines as general truths:


* Shoulder to elbow on the perimeter of the body. This is perhaps the most public appropriate area. This is where we are comfortable with a stranger tapping to ask a question.

* Elbow to wrist is interesting. If you actually consider it you will find that for the majority this area is only ok with us to touch if we are wearing long sleeves.

* Hands are another area we tend to think of as public, but this is untrue. We do not touch hands with strangers, we touch palms. The backs of our hands are reserved for people we have strong relationships with.

* One of the biggest physical boundaries between intimate and casual relationships is the spine. Being comfortable with someone reaching across your spine is often a clear difference between a stranger and a friend, if not a loved one.


Beyond these, most other areas of the body are only available to our intimate others, and each of those will have their own strictly defined limitations of access.


General Munch Etiquette:


Now that we, hopefully, have a clearer understanding of our rights as individuals and the touch barriers we have defined as a society. I would like to turn to more general social etiquette at a Munch.


One of the most frequent reasons that harassment occurs at a munch is simple, hopeful, seeking of companionship. As a minority group for whom, presumably, only someone else from said minority would be an appropriate significant other. The competition is fierce when it comes to seeking either romantic or sexual partners. For many, munches seem to be an opportunity to meet potential people to fill these roles. In addition, given the topic being discussed will generally have something to do with sexuality, some believe that sexual overtures are therefore more welcome. I encourage my readers not to make this mistake. While perhaps the topics discussed might be sexual in nature, at its heart munches are social gatherings; havens of community and mutual understanding. Sexual advances in such environments will be considered, more often than not, rude and off putting. By all means if you find someone interesting strike up a conversation, but keep in your mind at all times that the group is social, not sexual. Let this therefore be the guiding understanding of your behavior, BE social, NOT sexual.


Remember that self-same Golden Rule that we were all taught in Kindergarten: “Treat others the way you would want to be treated.” Further be aware that there is an interesting, and misleading, perspective shift that tends to happen between instigators and those subject to their advances. Those who instigate tend to think of the Golden Rule in terms of someone highly attractive to them. As in “I should act towards someone as I would wish to be acted towards by someone who I was deeply attracted to.” Whereas the people they approach tend to wish they were thinking more practically. My advice when applying the Golden Rule is to take sexuality out of the question. If you are a straight man consider how you would wish to be treated by a strange man, not a beautiful woman, and let that guide your behavior.


When it comes to the topic of the munch, whether it be erotic tickling or humiliation play, remember once again that though educational the goal of a munch is social, not sexual.  Make sure that your comments on the topic are appropriate and on topic.  When possible it is better to use abstract examples “lets say that someone is…” as opposed to specific ones “when my master is…” in order to keep the topics in that social realm.  Perhaps most important is the following understanding, how you define yourself in a BDSM relationship is not how you define yourself in regards to people interested in BDSM. This means:  

* Just because you are Dominant, does not mean that people want you to dominate them.

* Just because you are Submissive, does not mean people want you to submit to them.

* Just because you are Dominant, does not mean you have to dominate anyone.

* Just because you are submissive, does not mean you have to submit to anyone.

 The concepts of top, bottom, dom, sub, ab, mommy, daddy, pet, guru, mentor, carebear, etc. are ones that are directly defined by a personal relationship between you and another person. The group of people at a munch, while likely your friends, do not fall into this category.


What to do about an assault:


People want to be wanted and will constantly seek out those that interest them in order to try to establish a relationship. This can never justify sexual harassment or assault. Pushing beyond physical boundaries and making demands without an established relationship already in place violates the rights of individuals. This not only hurts the people involved but hurts the scene in general. In order to safeguard our lifestyle as well as the individuals we care about we must make stronger efforts to be self-policing and to educate people on appropriate conduct. Remember that the benefit of the doubt should always be with the person who has undergone the ordeal. Remember that you do not have to make a scene to make a point. If you are uncomfortable confronting your aggressor, let the person organizing know and ask them to have a quiet word with the person instead. If someone is repeatedly crossing your boundaries, be sure to inform the organizers every time they do as well as your friends within the community. The perpetrator, not the survivor, is responsible for the assault – always.


Survivors of harassment or an assault frequently feel one or more of the following:

* Self-blame, or shame

* Anger, or rage

* Isolation

* Fear

* Loss, grief

* Sadness, anger turned inward

* Powerlessness, Loss of control

* Flashbacks, nightmares

* Triggers – traumatic memory brought about through circumstance

* Changes in sexuality, difficulties with intimacy

* Physical concerns

* Spiritual crisis


Any and all of the above is more than possible. This is even more so if the person attending the munch is new, and for whatever reasons cannot share their sexuality with other friends and/or family. This means that the person entering the munch is already socially isolated when it comes to anything having to do with the munch or this sexuality in general. They have no one to talk to. Vigilance and community support is the answer. One of the best ways to assist a person in trauma is to create a safe environment.  Everyone who attends a munch must endeavor to do precisely this. We must be willing to believe those who come forward and stand by them. The strongest defense against abuse has been proven again and again to be an open and respectful community in which the participants feel safe to tell the truth without fearing for their social, emotional, mental, or physical health. Above all else, be willing to listen and believe. That is the first and most important step to helping anyone.


In conclusion:


Munches can be a powerful tool to bring together a community, particularly one that is frequently ostracized. Because we are willing to treat each other with a respect that a large portion of the government, if not society at large, is not we can create a place for ourselves that allows for the safe presentation of our true selves. This is a precious gift, an honorable tribute that should never be abused. In ancient cultures the breaking of the rules of hospitality was a grave offense. We can be no more tolerant of such abuses. I urge everyone reading this to treat each other with respect, and to help enforce this simple rule upon the scene in general. When respect is violated, let the person who did so know. I cannot possibly say what is simply lack of tact, and what is hostility, but I do know the only conceivable cure is education, and for us to stand strong as a community.




1. MA Department of Public Health (November 1999). “Sexual assault in Massachusetts: Findings from publicly-funded rape crisis centers and the behavioral risk factor surveillance system.”


2. Hughes and Sandler (1986, 1988); Merit Production Board (1987), as cited in “Facts About Sexual Harassment,” U.S. Department of Labor.


3. Criminal Victimization 1999: Changes 1998-99 with trends 1993-1999. U.S. Department of Justice, Bureau of Justice Statistics, National Crime Victimization Survey. August 2000.


4. Massachusetts Department of Education, 1997 MA Youth Rish Behavior Survey Results, August 1998.


5. Sexual Violence Facts and Statistics, Illinois Coalition Against Sexual Assault (1993).


6. Hingsburger, David. Ethics of Touch. The Diverse City Press. 1998


7. Post, Peggy. Etiquette. New York: The Emily Post Institute, Inc./Harper Collins Publishers. 1997


8. Supporting Survivors of Sexual Assault: A Journey to Justice, Health, and Healing. Boston, MA: Jane Doe Inc./The Massachusetts Coalition Against Sexual Assault and Domestic Violence. 2002. 

Terms of Endearment

posted Sep 30, 2009, 3:37 PM by Mr. M   [ updated Sep 30, 2009, 3:39 PM ]

Terms of Endearment in BDSM

by Mr.M 

            The world of BDSM is filled with contradictions that are nonetheless fact. Loving beatings, joyful pain, freedom through slavery. One such contradiction that often gets us in trouble with the real world is the idea of endearments. We often show our great affection for our significant others in this lifestyle through terms that would make many blanche. I asked some mailing lists in which I participate what endearments they enjoy, and considered my own behavior in this area. I find that the following are near and dear to me and wished to share them. I remind my readers that I am a heterosexual Top, and the following reflects that fact.  Also, I love the taboo and “dirty talk.”


Slut – Ah, the age old favorite. In our modern society this term often rates far worse than even our most foul of defined expletives. Answer honestly to yourself, would you be more affected if someone called you (or your mother) a fuck, or a slut? Slut has more impact in nearly every case.  Why? Because fuck is a verb, it’s something you do. Hell in the modern world its something most are proud to have it known they are doing. But slut, oh no, that’s a different story. Slut is a status word, it connotes a place in the world. It screams in the back of peoples’ minds that you are naughty, disgusting, forbidden and yet desired. And for all of these reasons I love it.  But there is an odd transformation when someone goes from being “a slut” to being “my slut.” Then for all the dirty associations, it becomes a position of pride. For it marks someone as owned, and valued for qualities that most society looks down upon. Sexual desire, wanton behavior, greed for the physical; all of this becomes a positive. Ah, I do so adore my sluts.


Pet – If you ever want to piss off a group of femi-nazis (to be very much separated from feminists) use this in front of them.  And yet I have found very few terms within this lifestyle so very associated with love, trust and devotion.  Think of our generic conception of pets. Creatures from whom we receive perfect love without restriction. A pet does not judge, it simply provides intimacy. Pets’ have no concern for your looks, your income level, whether or not you got a promotion or a degree; pets’ simply exist for you. They give you unquestioning companionship in exchange for simple care and kindness.  Add human rational to such a being and you find something beautiful, intimacy. Someone who deeply cares for you and you can care for, without reserve. How often do we feel maligned by the world? How often do we feel judged to the breaking point by everyone around us? But never by a pet. A pet is love gift wrapped in something warm to hold, and that can hold you. No my friends, I will never let it be said that “Pet” is anything less than a compliment.


Lady – I read too much old literature, I admit it. And because of my love of Shakespeare, Donne, and Byron I have the habit of often coming off cheesy. I like to refer to women as Lady whomever.  I believe it conveys respect as well as desire.  Forgive my unabashed male hetero bias here, but women are beautiful, sensual masterpieces. A Lady takes all that is woman and adds elegance and intelligence, at least to me.  And while within this lifestyle I may enjoy said Lady kneeling before me in quiet longing; that fact takes nothing away, rather it adds to, such a woman’s glory.


Cunt – That’s right I said it: cunt. Cunt! cuntitty, cunt, cunt CUNT! I use it for every reason many would say I never should. In today’s world this is the bottom of the barrel. The foulest of the foul, and that’s patently ridiculous.  It is a commentary on us as a society that a word for vagina that has been around for hundreds of years now brings such fear and loathing. It is either dirty and wrong, say those who wish to purify all mention of sex from our vocabulary; or it is degrading to women, say women who have not owned their vaginas. I have a penis. It is also a dick, schlong, dong, pilly-papper, purple headed warrior and cock. None of this offends us as a people, but cunt. Oooo, scary. So I use cunt, and I use it for different reasons depending on partner. Sometimes I am playing with mental discomfort. Sometimes I am simply enjoying being “dirty.” And sometimes I am merely glorying in such a wonderful portion of a woman’s body. But I like Cunt, deal with it.


Mine – I am a territorial SOB and I’m proud of it. By such understanding do I love calling someone simply “Mine.”  With an arm holding them close or a hand in a bound Bottom’s hair, either way this is clear, and loving. I am staking a claim; declaring not only ownership but willingness to accept responsibility. When something is Mine it is not only there for my pleasure, but also under my care. It is my joy to find someone I can call, and whom will accept this most intimate of statements.

Submissive vs. Slave

posted Sep 30, 2009, 3:34 PM by Mr. M   [ updated Sep 30, 2009, 3:37 PM ]

The Difference Between Submissive and Slave in BDSM Relationships

by Mr.M 

             One of the questions that come up frequently in my discussions within the scene is the difference between a submissive and a slave. I am aware that I am walking into treacherous waters, this is a topic about which many have very strong convictions. These are my personal opinions on the subject.  I hope these thoughts will help some folk clarify their vocabulary and promote discussion as opposed to being seen as a proposal of rules to end it.  When it comes to defining a submissive versus a slave I tend to place them in terms of quantity and level of service.  But I wish to be clear that I do not think of one as being superior to the other. A submissive to me is someone who has a Top, someone who enjoys a DS dynamic, but still retains much autonomy. This in contrast to a slave who has undergone much more negotiation so that even their autonomy is understood to be a gift that can be taken away. This can be proven in such simple examples as the ability to pick out his or her own clothes each day. The Top is allowing this to happen but should they wish, the slave would have to budget in time to get approval, or even just trust and not complain about what the Top chooses.  This can be just as true for meals, free time, etc.  Training I leave to individuals to decide what is appropriate, but it is that level of negotiation about what is to be regulated that I feel creates the divide.  Generally I would also suggest that a slave should have duties that they are required to carry out with punishments for failure. Moreover that these punishments are actually not enjoyable, as in not for their pleasure, but done because of the dynamic.  For instance A friend of mine is a very cuddly Bottom, so her principle punishment is not being allowed to touch her Top.  She is refused something she regards as an affirmation of status and affection unless she has demonstrated she deserves it.

            There is an element of ritual that I think comes as part of this lifestyle. A couple I spoke to suggested a slave exercise they practiced. This involved the Bottom stripping naked every morning whereafter her hair was grabbed and she was forced to kiss the Top’s feet. I was asked whether I believed this to be a slave behavior, or a submissive behavior, to which I responded “I would say that it could be either, what I would ask is this: what happens if she doesn't?” This couple was not very comfortable with the activity, as the Top did not like their Bottom kneeling before them.  They had been doing so primarily because they had been told it is what a “real slave” should do.  Each and every relationship is different. Once again, I find the negotiation and the defined consequence to be the defining difference between a submissive and a slave.  I had a live in slave at one point whose work always ended significantly before mine (ah, real world).  We had a knock so she knew I was coming in and I was alone, which was generally the case. She was required to be waiting on her knees just inside the door to greet me.  Now she was not a masochist and also was a bit ADD so it was understood that if she was not ready she would be subject to the old school punishment of  writing lines (I will remember to greet Master when he comes home. x 100). I often use this technique and I generally compound this by having them write with a dip pen (penmanship counts).  She would sit in a hard straight backed wooden chair to write and it was known that I would not accept her discomfort as an excuse for being sloppy.  More than once I would tear up the paper she was working on for poor work and have her start again.  This was not about sex between us, it was about an understanding of her duties as my property and the consequence of her not fulfilling them.  By the same token, she could not refuse except for a major health reason and I would not fail to follow through because I was bored or tired from work.  Thus we both fulfilled our negotiated dynamic for the purpose of her improvement.

            A submissive to me would have a lot more flexibility within their dynamic.  With their Top a submissive would not be under that level of control. In a way, it comes down to a level of trust.  How much can the Bottom trust you to make decisions for them and take care of them, and how much can you trust the Bottom to fulfill their obligations.  There are no hard and fast rules, no definitive milestones that make someone a slave as opposed to a submissive, only guidelines and belief by those involved. As in many things, attitude is everything.  Generally most tasks should come down to the following; for the Bottom: What am I doing to make life better for my Top? And for the Top: How am I helping to improve my Bottom? Referring back to the previous couple who did not like ritual kneeling, they discovered that it reinforced their dynamic a lot more for the Bottom to bring the Top coffee when he was waking as opposed to having her kneeling. It was something he, as a Top, enjoyed and something she, as a Bottom, could do to make herself useful. Not all pleasures are sexual, and many of the best ones in a D/s dynamic have nothing to do with fucking. For me this is the essence of someone being a slave, the ability to be consistent as opposed to occasional, in providing everyday pleasure to a Top.  Now I personally do enjoy a good bow and kneel, but I don't say that it is correct, just fun for me, and that’s at the heart of the matter. The kneeling isn’t done because I am the great and glorious MASTER, it is done because it is something simple I enjoy. A Bottom kneeling for me is providing me with a pleasure, one by which they demonstrate their respect yes, but also their willingness to find joy in my pleasure.  I also very much enjoy a correctly set table, having my back washed in the shower, or even giving someone something to read so that we can discuss it later.  The following through with my desires for elegance, intelligence, and service shows an every day understanding of deep and simple pleasures that a Bottom wishes to provide. At the same time the enforcement of such actions within their lives’ allows me, as a Top, to improve and provide those self-same pleasures to those that choose to follow my auspice. 

            When a couple (or more-some) asks me whether or not they should do something, or more specifically, if something should be done as part of their dynamic my first question is “do you enjoy it?” Followed generally by “and if you enjoy it, why shouldn't you do it?” People all to often forget that service has been an art form separate from, and just as glorious as, BDSM throughout history.  Many in the scene feel the need for their actions to be constructive as opposed to being done simply for the sake of ritual.  They forget that all lifestyles, including this one, should have the goal of joy as a principle motive. Therefore, when no other reason is available, the reason of joy should always be considered. Does something make you happy? If so then it is constructive.  Whether a submissive or a slave, mundane or kinky, lives between two people in a relationship should be filled with love, trust, and pleasure; otherwise what is the point. The why becomes more central to the matter when considering a slave versus a submissive.  In my own personal theory we once again return to the subject of negotiation and understanding of relative status.

            Referring back to the goal of Bottom betterment via Top discretion, one should be very aware of motive in regards to behavior management.  I spoke to a couple once in which the Bottom often woke up grumpy, which often resulted in insolent behavior and disregard for the Top’s desires.  The Top’s response to this was to take her over his knee and give her a good spanking.  The Top came to me because he was getting irritated that despite the spanking the Bottom’s morning attitude remained a constant.  In our discussion I discovered that the Bottom in this relationship very much enjoyed a thorough spanking. The Top’s goal therefore was being thwarted by his very action to attain it. Rather than punishing her, he was in fact merely cheering her up. This fixed things in the short term, but in fact rewarded the behavior thus insuring its continuation. So here we have an opportunity to consider one’s position as a Top.  If they consider themselves as a more bedroom oriented dynamic, then what he was doing was completely correct. He was giving them both some short term joy, but not actually modifying her behavioral norms. However, if his goal was to mold her towards a mutual goal of perfect service, then he was failing his obligation. A Top must consider motivation and status before engaging their Bottom. For the relationship will be defined, refined, and described by such actions, not merely by what name you call your Bottom. A Bottom whom’s Top does not correct them can, in my opinion, never be considered a slave.

            In the end there is no correct way to define a submissive versus a slave, as all relationships are relative.  What truly matters in a relationship is, in fact, the relationship.  For me though, the difference comes down to the goals you set for one another. For in setting a goal for one, you set an equal and opposite goal for your opposite number.  Are you in it for pleasure, or purpose? Is sex central, or separate?  Does pleasure come from action or achievement? By these questions will your dynamic be circumscribed, and reinforced. However you wish to define yourselves, I remind you of this crucial fact: Relationships require more than one person, so before deciding what someone else is to you, be sure you can handle being the opposite to them.



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